Deb, these are really good. Everyone of them incited my curiosity. I put myself in the position of someone hearing it coming out of your mouth and it was good.
The one with “we help businesses make a lot of money in a short amount of time” is Tad’s line from Profitability Consulting. “Hi I’m Tad James from Profitability Consulting and we help businesses make a lot of money in a short amount of time. Are you interested in it or not?” It was the “or not” that did the trick as it allowed people to say no and so Tad got rid of all the low probability clients immediately. In this way he did not waste any time with people who were not high probability clients. (Time and energy are the most valuable commodities you have, remember?)
Now the one for women did not hit me as positively as the others. From my perspective I need more time to do more of what I want to do not to slow down to go faster. But I admit, I am a little “unusual”. Just feedback. It does not mean it won’t work with other women.
Anyway, try them out again and again, and begin to notice specifically what groups of people respond best to what pitch. And if they don’t respond well to one, immediately fire it at them differently. Again and again until you get the results you want.
I hope this helps.