- This topic has 13 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 3 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
-
-
Thank you, Adriana, for this section 🙂 I often hear people telling me that you cannot start your own business until your kids are out of the door and on their own which in Romania is 18 years old. You have to work for a company to have a stable income to be able to pay for everything is a common approach. However, I see more and more entrepreneur mums, starting their own business, there are even networking communities that you can join and share experiences which is very encouraging.
Things get indeed more complex with kids around as they want your undivided attention hence time management is really important as well as the way you explain to them what you are doing or even get them involved. I realized I cannot hide in a room to work hence I start early in the morning before they are up to get clarity for the day and get going. I get them engaged in preparing things for the trainings (such as arranging the training room, distributing brochures) and as they are always creative I ask for their opinions and ideas. They know by now what is it that I do in my business as they have been NLP-ed and TLT-ed and hypnotized many times.
There were times when I used to think that it is not possible to have a job, start a business and take care of the kids as well. But staying focused, reminding myself to be at C and with perseverance things are really possible.
Most important thing for me to realize was that it is not about the kids as much as it is about me. They are part of my life, they are part of me so whatever I decide to do going forwards I need to carry them with me. It is important to manage myself first and set the expectations right with myself and the rest will follow.
Happy to hear about other parents and their experiences and learnings through the journey! -
Thanks very much Adriana for creating this topic.
And well done Christina making it all work. Fully agree with you that the priority is to start taking care of ourselves first; only then we would be able to be a good partner and also a good parent. And kids do have the capacity to adjust to everything.
In relation to me, parenting occupies much of my current focus. Using all techniques learned form the NLP trainings and the APEPs I have really taken care of myself and done the work to be where I want to be. and create the life that I want. My goal is to learn, grow, and evolve on a daily basis and I am doing that.
Parenting, on the other side is something I haven’t figured out yet. Have gone through different steps in the last years and this is my current state of mind:
First, some background; originally from Chile, have been in the New York area working and living for almost the last 20 years. Divorced, and father of two boys, ages 14 (Sebastian) and 9 (Lucas). Sebastian is a very sensitive and emotionally connected kid and currently with some issues related to anxiety (of death or anything related to that to be precise). Lucas has been diagnosed with High Functioning Autism Level 1 (previously labeled Asperger’s Syndrome), very High Anxiety and with many Sensory Integration issues since birth. Also, we have very different parenting styles with their Mom as I am trying to create rules and boundaries and consequences and she has a co-dependency relationship with them, specially with the younger one. I mostly see them in their Mom’s house, however I am starting to get more one on one time with each of them and having some sleepovers at my place more often.So here are some of my discoveries or conclusions so far:
It has been hard for me to find the equilibrium between my parent responsibility and their right for taking their own decisions. The NLP concept of when a client is a client. Both kids have been reluctant to face their challenges and prefer to be in a state of avoidance. Lately, Sebastian has been little more open for my help and advice as he has had some panic attack episodes he didn’t like at all. But he is still reluctant to believe that NLP or HST really works, as he is very analytical and rational and this is “weird stuff” for him.
There is also the issue about boundaries, something that I am very aware of and fully respect as I have learned the key importance they have in our lives. So even knowing many techniques that could help them, I have been extremely careful in not using them unless they ask for help or I convince them first and get their permission. Maybe they need to face these challenges and overcome them in their life journey. There would be the right time, right place to address them.
Another thing that I discovered in the process is that the best way to help them is not through telling them, or showing them what to do. By far the most effective way is by leading by the example. Taking care of my own issues, and show them I take full responsibility of the things I have to work on and doing the work. If I improve myself and they see it and they witness the positive changes I am creating for myself, eventually they will want that same positive change for themselves and approach me.
Would love to hear other parent’s stories and ideas or feedback.
Sending you all love and positive energy
Alejandro
-
Alejandro!
Hey Buddy! I know where you are at in dealing with your family situation, remember it’s only their present state of reality, avoidance is never the answer and NLP used in a clinical or therapy model only works for clients who pay upfront and have a burning desire to remedy their current thought processes. Children are very instinctive and work from a Values level 2,3,4 mindset. They believe uncritically all information they are fed from the leader of the tribe. i.e. Thier mother.I have 4 children 13,10,8 and 5 Divorced 5 years after a 10 year marriage. Thier mother was pregnant with the 5yr old when we divorced and it was the seeing of a Master Practitioner for couples therapy that got me into this.
As the children age and notice your emotional stability they will gravitate toward you naturally. Also being a father figure it is in complete congruency for you and the children to have deep and meaningful conversation, whenever we are riding in the car we converse about topics like school and friends openly this allows me to get a feeling for where each of my children are at emotionally and consciously which are almost never on the same page. So I spend a lot of my time asking leading and probing questions that get them to open up about thier thought process and I do this infront of the other children. It shows that I care deeply for thier well being and it allows the other children to begin thinking critically about how they choose to approach and participate in life from the perspective of self evaluation and behavior. I constantly preach the presuppositions of NLP before or after any discussion as a way of making it for them instead of about them. My children are developing very well.
The 5 year old has finally decided to start spending the weekends with us and leave his mother who held him hostage from me for the last 5 years, he was her pacifier. I never pushed the topic, always asked politely showed genuine interest in his interests and never allowed myself to show distain or disapproval of his decision to come with me or stay with his mother.
My suggestions are to spend as much time with them as you can independently of thier mother and while in her presence ask her if she remembers a time when she was happy and lead her through the process of being happy while you are around. Refrain for using any reference to NLP or any other modalities.
Simply be there and be there for the children this will change everything.
I hope that you find my words of value in your current life situation.Aaron.
-
-
One thought for everyone.
If you josh NLP on your kids they’ll HAVE to make you wrong for it, and that’s normal.
Parents who push vegetarian diets on their kids end up with kids being convulsed to eat MacDonalds hamburgers.
However, you can motivate them (gently) in THEIR own values which Aaron so nicely shared he discovers just by conversing with them, to take some action that can help them. And when THEY ask yo then yo can apply all NLP in the world.One of our close associates shared with us the process of patience. Drop tidbits. As Cristina said, children can be supportive of their parents. Come up with ideas and be engaged. They have unbelievable insights as their thinking is fresh and unadulterated or out into a system as much as adult minds.
What great posts everyone. Thank you!
-
You are absolutely right Adriana and Aaron. Kids are like clients. If you force techniques on them it will not work. And indeed, once you are in a balanced, composed state they will gravitate around you like flies go to honey. Sometimes it gets so funny as I move around the house they follow me around while continuing to do their own stuff.
They need space to just be themselves and someone to just listen to them as they take things off of their chest, to probe but not to judge or evaluate. They know when something went wrong and unfortunately the typical societal reaction to it is to make them feel guilty which as we know only adds more to the problem. They are resourceful and need someone to remind them of this …just like we do. And most important: the more we persevere and grow the better for them because in the end they model us.-
I fully agree with all your comments, specially the fact that we cannot impose to them our learnings or mow.
And at the same time I am very strong in the opinion that cannot be all free will, specially with smaller kids. Children need to have a clear set of rules and boundaries. Know what are the expectations. And also clear consequences for the breaches. And then independence in doing things inside the parameters agreed. Children will test you as is in their nature and it’s very important to enforce the be boundaries and be consistent. I love that phrase that best defines our role as parents and also applies to our learnings in TJC: we need to teach them to fish not go fishing for them. Always be there to support them, guide them, model for them. And develop their self-sufficiency. -
-
-
It’s not easy to be a good parent. Unfortunately the times have changed and the last century “I’ll put my life on hold for the next 18 years while my kids grow up” does not work anymore. The authoritative “do as I say” attitude of older generations is gone too. Sometime ago, starting with the 1960s and the wave of VL6 way of thinking has rebelled against the rigid authority of the yesteryear.
Everything has changed in our world and that’s not necessarily bad. It’s just a matter or total reorganization of time management, how you understand the “being” that is your child and navigate very carefully that fine line between teaching them, taking care of their safety and well being and yet respecting their needs, values, motivations…plus all the other stuff that goes on which can create problems.
How do you protect them but not being overly protective, how do you what works well VS wat is “fun” but doesn’t especially in long term, and so on.
As I said, it requires a lot of reorganization of life in general especially time and energy. Coming back to the same issues. Time and energy used in such a way that it produce the best for everyone and everything involved including you, the parent.
Yeah, if kids don’t learn VL4 rules and regulations, eventually they’ll get themselves in trouble.
It is in the nature – as you well said – of children to want to experiment with everything, but they need the structure of the positive side of VL4. Otherwise when they grow up they wil have to deal with that on their own, and VL4 will not be complete for them and they cannot move on further – at least not easily and without complications. -
To all my parents on the forum, I have SO MUCH RESPECT for you as business owners and also as individuals who still find time to put energy into your personal growth and development!! I certainly have no idea what it takes to be able to manage so many responsibilities throughout the day! It’s easy in my position to tell you, ‘do this’ and ‘do that’ in your business because at the end of the day, I only have to worry about my life. You, on the other hand, have to balance so many areas of life to do what you do!
How do you do it??!!
It’s amazing to me actually.Especially to all of you who actively participate as Coaching Assistants, traveling across the globe to be at any given training.
You are Masters at making your life happen!So much appreciation for you and what you’re willing to do to bring these life-changing tools to your clients, students, and family!
-
-
This is an article every parent should read and consider VERY carefully.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.