Question about Mismatching

[Adriana James]

This question has been posted by Jimmy Gilland on another forum.
I since then created this forum designed for Q&A.
please post the questions related to projects in the relevant threads. use this only for additional questions.

As a mismatcher myself, I have noticed it takes a very conscious and constant effort for me to think as a “matcher.” Normally, when a new idea is proposed, my mind will naturally and immediately look to the flip side & mismatch the idea, before then looking at the original idea, to match and find validity and agreement. For me, this gives a valuable, balanced way of critical thinking and decision making for a business, and I would not want to lose that, however, it would be nice to have a way to “turn off” the mismatcher voice in the context of relationships, since mismatching isn’t the best way to have a pleasant conversation, or even for the purpose of mental health since I even mismatch my own thoughts and then argue with myself about it.

so my question is (I have this for myself and some other coaches wondering as well):

What would you recommend to/for a client who may want to remain a mismatcher in the business context, but would be nice to be more of a balanced matcher in most other contexts?

For now my best solution is simply practicing bringing awareness and consciousness to it, realizing how and when I’m mismatching, focusing on what I want, and making sure to mentally “match” the idea before opening my actual mouth.

Would love thoughts and ideas. Right now I believe that the ability to switch into different personalities or states is useful for different contexts, with different values, and desired outcomes. Perhaps the best solution is just to cultivate skills and habitual ways of being in each context, to get the desired results through practice and habit. What other ideas are there? (so I can mismatch them – kidding hehe ? but not really. see?

Thanks!!
-J

[Arabella Macpherson]

Hi Adriana
This post is so helpful for me. Especially because I have been called, at times, a mismatcher. After reading the post, my question to myself now is, “How helpful is mismatching? In which situations is it a must? In what other situations am I creating more work/resistance for no reason by mismatching?” I generally mismatch until I trust that source/person/entity. Then I completely subscribe to everything they say. This black and white approach isn’t helping me either. Instead, 2019 will be a year of ‘discernment’. Accepting different views, then checking in with myself and trusting myself to make the best decision with the information based upon my goals and values. No need for anger, criticism, over analysing…discernment!

[Adriana James]

Reply to Jimmy’s question

Hi Jimmy,

Good to see you here.
Mismatching is not necessarily bad. Is simply the need to contradict (mismatch) the information coming in, in comparison with already acquired information and life experience. It could also come form values formed in response to a very authoritative and inflexible parent. It just takes longer to accept new learning or concepts.
Here are some important things about matching VS mismatching I can think of right now.
Mismatching for the sake of mismatching is like a teenager who says NO all the time just to prove everyone wrong. That does not work so well. IT acts like a rebellion against authority. But not all authority is correct or acts for your benefit. So accepting authority just because it is authority does not work well also.
Therefore….

You mentioned something really important which is the issue of awareness and bringing into consciousness when one mismatches and when one matches and WHY.
To my opinion you don’t have to be a matcher all the time. In fact that would make you into an average, accepting-only-the-norm person. Very agreeable but not innovative. Not creative. Just an average Joe.
Staring as a mismatcher myself I play now with accepting or rejecting new info after careful consideration. The words “after careful consideration” are very important. Even if initially I might be prone to say “no”, I always consider carefully what has been said. I look for data and facts I know, or I research to understand better the info I received and to see whether it has merit or not.
Then I make up my mind. You always have to eventually make up your mind and proceed. Otherwise you get stuck in incision and brats reaaaaaly not good. It leads to stagnation and inertia.
Does that mean you’re always “right”?
Well…. Define “right”.
Even if, let’s say you’re not “right” in your ultimate decision you have the right (pun intended) to change your mind and adapt to new info which may come later. So with the knowledge in the moment, ask questions to get as much clarity as you can, then decide whether to accept or reject the info, and proceeded. This process can take as little as a few seconds, to 24/48 hours or even longer in certain cases.

In business, here is what I think. Based on what I said above, and your experience already acquired, mismatching is sometimes beneficial. Trends and patterns that everybody follows are not necessarily the best and most results producing. The best business people are innovators who don’t follow trends (thus in a way mismatching society).
For us at TJC this is a way of life. We are so different from your average NLP company is not even funny, and this has created in time problems with marketing companies who want to slot us into the “trends”. And we cannot just follow the trends.
At the same time, this makes us so different, and so exceptional in our teaching. So… There you have it! Benefits and at the same time problems created by non-conformity.

I hope this has given you something to “munch on”.
I am looking forward to other input from other trainers and forum participants out there.
Let us know folks, what do you think? How does it work for you?

[Adriana James]

Yeah you’re right. Discernment and not only that, but wise discernment.
Based on research, data facts. After that, you have a qualified decision. As I said, it doesn’t have to be cast in stone, tomorrow you can find something new, a piece of info that you did not know before and change your mind. That’s ok. We’re not doing here VL4 – unchangeable and immutable forever and ever. Things are fluid – things change. Wise discernment is the way to go.
Funny though, both you and Jimmy are APEP graduates and reached the same conclusion and the same type of questions. Good for both of you. Love your questions!!!

[James Gilland]

Thank you Adriana and Arabella for your thoughts. These are along the lines of what we v came up with, as I was thinking and discussing with a MPractitioner friend.
So if the mismatching is usually ok but maybe is a problem in the relationship context: Ex: I wake up thinking “I’d love to do yoga this morning. so I ask my girl friend, “do you want to go for a run or maybe do some yoga?” then she says “Yoga sounds great.” to which I reply, “Yea but I feel like I could use a run today..” without even thinking. Then I realize it was nothing more than an unconscious mismatch that I didn’t even mean. How do I now admit that I secretly want to do yoga??— ok just kidding because at this point I realize “wait I didn’t mean that I’d love some yoga.” That’s kind of (at first cute but) ultimately annoying for all of us concerned. I feel like there is a mismatching monkey in my head sometimes.
For me so far the best solution is awareness and noticing. Meditation helps and just healthy conscious thinking, and being present instead of in my head or somewhere else.
Am I correct to remember that you can change a judger to a perceiver by adjusting their timeline from through time to in time? But there isn’t any simple fix for changing to match or mismatch for a specific context? I would say the best solution if this is a problem, is to change the strategy and insert a step to consider the “flip side” before mailing a decision or reaction?
I definitely notice it is a decision. If I am listening to a speaker I really admire, I sometimes find myself matching everything at first, if I am looking to find agreement. but in normal life and in normal social settings I am not necessarily trying to be agreeable so.. basically for now I will let people know life will generally work better if you see things my way.. ha only kidding
– OK and maybe I’ll also work to be a bit more conscious and thoughtful in my communication 🙂

thanks all!!
-J

[Laura Petrie]

Jimmy! These are wonderful questions that I often wonder about myself…. I am a huge mismatcher in relationships! I know this and frankly I can’t (don’t want to change it) because ultimately I found that it is something that protects me ~ for right now. I too just graduated APEP and I am still learning what it means and what it takes to have boundaries. Hey I’m not too proud to admit I’m still working through things 😉
So for now it’s my UM’s reason to automatically give myself a pause button rather than say YES to everything. Because I know I’m a mismatcher in relationships I give myself a moment to say to myself (while laughing at my behavior) “why are you mismatching him so hard? He’s only trying to give you advice. Is this advice helpful/healthy/profitable/loving/etc?” then while I give myself a series of questions to see if this is something that makes sense to me for my own benefit, I buy myself enough time to see if I want to continue mismatching or not. Then if I realize I was mismatching for the sake of mismatching, I always admit that I’m doing it. “Hey, sorry, I just disagreed with you unconsciously I didn’t mean to, I think you have a great idea for me I’m going to find a way to implement it.” It’s as simple as that…eventually your partner will learn to give you advice or responses in a way that a mismatcher (you) will take it, and that will be a funny day for you! Your girlfriend will likely respond to the yoga question like “Yeah Jimmy I definitely don’t want to do yoga today… Let’s just go jogging. I can tell you are totally not in the mood for a very fun refreshing workout like yoga, right?” Then you both laugh. The best is when you both know she’s mismatching YOU so you can say yes to her…it can be fun! Get her trained in NLP then she’ll get you!
I don’t know a technique to change it, for me it was more ecological to keep it (in this context) because of my awareness and ability to communicate to my partner about it.
Awareness is the key here. Is there a good reason to mismatch? There have been a few times when mismatching has served me really well….and other times it just caused problems.

[Adriana James]

Very good points Laura. This is exactly what happens many times in relationships.
And eventually we get it that we are learning ourselves and perfecting ourselves by means of creating good interaction with the other person. Easier said than done in many cases, I have to admit, however invaluable.

[Adriana James]

Jimmy, Have you considered that it’s not necessarily a mismatch? But maybe indecision?
What if it is nothing more than “These are the options possible” and consciously you say ..blah, but then the UM plops out the other possibility?
And on top of that sometimes our UM mismatches the CM. So we are mismathichng ourselves … Bllahhhh…. That’s why I talk so much in the trainings about CM/UM integration.

[James Gilland]

Laura and Adrianna: Yes yes and yes! It’s a funny thing that serves me more often than gets me in trouble but I do believe awareness is the key and being ok to laugh at my mismatching self at times. But yes my UM mismatches my CM automatically at first with a lot of thoughts, so now I kind of sit back and observe. Or I say “Jimmy, I’m not here to argue with you :)”

and just so everyone knows.. I don’t have a girlfriend so.. well not a commitment at least.. made some boundaries around that one… 🙂

Hey I miss you guys and want to come help!!

[Laura Petrie]

We miss you!! Come assist at Master Prac! We’d love to have you if you’re not too busy living the life in Hawaii….Michelle at TJC says “Aloha” by the way!

Great posts about mismatching, so much fun!
Look forward to seeing you! 🙂

[wanda santiago]

Hola!

I love this topic, understanding that I am a huge mismatcher myself… and of course, I attracted to me a mismatcher as a partner!

Sometimes is good because I can see myself in his mirror and understand myself better. Also when we get into a contrast, it gives me the Away motivation to take action. In the other hand, I have to recognize that I also waste so much time and energy in that game.

I wonder if I can I change that?

Suggestions?

[Adriana James]

Hola Wanda,

To chose one metaprograms or another implies a decision. So, you can go back on the time line and do a TLT removal of a limiting decisions process.

Also you can do hypnosis -imagine a staircase of 72 steps, and as you go down one by one you get deeper and deeper into trance. At the bottom there is a switch that flips from matcher to mismatcher and the other way around. Flip it to matcher, and then as you climb up the stairs you come out of trance until you’re fully awake when you reach the top step.

But again, keep in mind that ever since you have been a mismatcher (if that’s true and not simply a disagreement between your views and the views of others which in many case is taken to mean mismatching and which is not the case) has led to many strategies and values which are also part of your behavior as it is now. These are entrenched in your behavior as you are doing them automatically (read unconsciously) for as long as you have been a mismatcher. So there is some work to do to discover and be aware of them. If not and you do the removal of the deck on there is a mismatch (pun intended) between your new decision and the strategies for mismatching form before, and then there is possibility for inner conflicts.

That being said, I just gave you the process of changing metaprograms.

Metaprograms are not cast in stone. Nobody is born with a certain metaprogram, if you consider after birth possibility. If it’s before birth, then the process is the same only that the metaprogram(s) were adopted either from past lives experiences, or room the mother thus genealogically.

Usually (and this is a very big generalization that’s why I say “usually”) this decisions happens in very early childhood (1-3 years old) when children are forced to do something they don’t want and then they “rebel” and mismatch the decision imposed onto them.

[wanda santiago]

Wow… Beautiful answer… and very helpful too! Thanks very much.

Now I am thinking… do I really want to change that program? Will I loose my creativity? My identity? Good inner work!

[Laura Petrie]

We got some good stuff here, Wanda!

[Adriana James]

Yeah, good question. Don’t rush to change anything. Operate from the principle that if ain’t broken don’t fix it.
Notice your projections , notice if there are people just wanting you to agree with them and when you disagree make you feel bad and then you think you’re mismatching.
Maybe you are, or maybe you’re not – I don’t know, I am just giving you ways to think about the whole issue.

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